Tag Archives: Humor

Marley and The Summer Job!

20 Jul

Friday’s with Marley…

I was​ home​ on my roof deck​ sitting in a chair listening to a basic meditation audiobook in attempt to find some sort of calm and clarity in my life when Marley came sauntering onto my roof top paradise.

​​”Since you shut down my raffle last week, you have forced me into poverty and I’m in need of cash,” she barked.

‘Marley, you tried to sell my house without telling me,” I said incredulously. “Of course I shut it down.”

“I hate to say it, but you’re kind of a killjoy. However, I think I can help you become more lighthearted and unburdened.”

“You’re moving out?” I said with a side-eye.

“How would that help anything? No, no. You see I can help you, but that’s not enough for me– I want to help more than just the person who feeds me — so I’ve decided to become a motivational speaker as a summer job. These are the Dog Days of Summer after all, which going forward will hereby be known as the Marley Days of Summer.”

“Marley,” I said​ calmly and without judgement trying hard not to get wrapped up in her crazy​. “We are almost at the end of July. Basically there is only one month left of summer,​ you don’t have time to become a motivational speaker– and hang on, furthermore I am not a killjoy!”

“See this is what I’m talking about.” She said. “You ​always​ darken my door with your negativity, halting any creative outside the box thinking. I, as a positive motivational speaker see summer as a state of mind. The Dog Days of Summer may only last a month, but the Marley Days of Summer last all year.”

“Marley, the only box you think outside of is the litter box. I know I’m going to regret asking this but, what is your area of motivational expertise? Fitness? Food? Weight-loss? Spirituality?”

Marley licks her lips, yawns, lays down on the floor, shuts her eyes and mumbles, “how to dream big,” before falling asleep at my feet.


House For Sale and Marley!

13 Jul

Friday’s with Marley…

I got up out of bed in the usual way, headed to the kitchen for my first cup of coffee (my most favorite part of the day) and Marley was no where to be found.

I love quiet mornings, I love my routine, I love nothing to interrupt all of my morning favorites and today was no different. The bliss of a drama-free morning with hopes of a drama-free day…but yet I could feel something wasn’t right.

Coffee mug in hand, sipping my first sip of heaven’s nectar, that delicious black liquid gold, when I heard a knock at the front door.

I thought, what on earth is going on? Who could be at my door at 6:00 this Friday morning…I could start to feel my tranquility taking off faster than honeymoon pajamas!

…I opened the door and there was a crowd….Excuse me, I said…What on earth is going on here? And why are you at my front door.

The first person stepped up (and may I say), a bit too close for my liking, with much irritation in his voice and said “I’ve been at your front door since 3:00 this morning. I wanted to make sure I was first in line.”

First in-line for what, I said…And in a blink he held up an IPad with several tabs opened to several different social media sights…
…And then I saw it, I saw it even without my reading glasses…It was in big red print, my address, with the words, House For Sale…Raffle with grand prize to be announced.

This is a mistake I stuttered. My house is not for sale. I have no idea how this has happened or why and I’m so sorry for all your trouble. Please allow me to reiterate…My house is not for sale! And there is certainly no grand prize of any sort.

Then out of the corner of my eye I saw something move from the back of the line. And as the crowd became more hushed and parted like the red sea, I started to hear barking and then with full view I saw her….Oh dear God it’s Marley with her paws full of cash!

MARLEY…M A R L E Y I yelled with a very shaky voice, what are you doing? Give these kind people back all their money and get your tail inside right now…With my fists raised above my head, I yelled “As God as my witness, you’ve gone too far this time!”

It was nothing less than a summer miracle that people were able to pry Marley’s paws open to get back their cash and leave without incident. I apologized up, down and sideways to all as they passed me and if I didn’t know better, I think a few actually felt sorry for me.

Marley sauntered through the front door and I slammed and locked the door behind her…As my anger rose from my toes up through my whole body I said with clenched teeth…Marley please explain to me, why did you post I was selling my house plus take money from people for a made-up raffle?

She flatten herself down on the cool tile floor, shut her eyes and said…”I’m a bit fatigue, I got up too early this morning… I’ll need to get back to you on this one.”

And as it became more apparent that I was only going to get crazy from her, I decided to pour myself a fresh cup of sanity and call a mulligan (a do-over) on this morning’s routine.


Marley and The Lifestyle Blog!

8 Jul

I walked into the kitchen looking for my first cup of coffee of the day when I saw Marley taking a selfie with her selfie stick.

“Marley,” I said, “what are you doing?”

No response.

“MARLEY” I said louder and a bit more jarring.

“Oh..hey…didn’t see you walk in,” she said. “What’s happening?”

“Never mind me Marley, what are you doing taking selfies so early in the morning?”

“This summer I’m starting a lifestyle blog. I think there are so many in need of my advice, you know? The first post is called “Selfies: this is one stick you don’t fetch”

“You are going to give readers advice in lifestyle, like what? food and fashion trends? You wear the same thing every day. It’s called your fur.” And p.s you eat the same thing everyday!

“Coco Chanel dressed in black every day too you know. Besides it’s not about what you wear but how you wear it. No body shaming on my site, just me being me and inviting others to do the same.”

“You’re inviting others to be you?” I asked as I got blinded by another photo.

“Can you please be more careful about getting in my shot, this is called a selfie stick, not a groupie stick.”

“Marley you don’t think this is a little narcissistic?”

“As in Narciso Rodriguez?! Thank you! You’re the best! Ok you can be in my next photo.”

I turned on my heels and headed back to bed. Not enough coffee in the world…


Marley and The Work-Out!

19 Jun

Friday’s with Marley…

Like many early-risers, I like to wake up and go to the gym. Sometimes I run on the elliptical, sometimes I do yoga — I just can’t start my day unless I’ve worked up a sweat.

This morning was a yoga morning. About 10 minutes into class who comes wondering in but Marley. She sauntered right up next to me and unrolled her mat.

“MARLEY! What are you doing here?” I whispered. “You hate working out.”

Marley finished setting up and immediately got into a modified Downward Dog, in that she just lay down. “I am meditating, becoming one with mother earth and getting centered. I’m getting mind, body and spirit on the same page. And furthermore, I’m at the gym, which means I’m working out.”

“Marley, lying on the ground with your eyes shut is called a cat nap. As a dog, this is beneath you.”

“I don’t want to pull anything.” she said with a growl. “For today is the first day of the rest of my life.”

“Marley, I do hate being the one to knock you into reality…but sleeping in yoga class does not make it a work-out, you actually have to exert yourself.”

With a snort, Marley turned over with her eyes shut and said “I’m sorry, you do know it’s pronounced “nama-stay” not “nama-go” don’t you? I’m just doing as I’m told.”

“Marley, that is nama-stupid and you know it.”


Marley and The Road Trip!

5 Jun

Friday’s with Marley!

On a whim, Marley and I decided to drive cross-country Thelma-and-Louise style…


minus the murder/suicide, God willing… just the scarves and over-sized sunglasses part. So I planned the route, bought supplies and started packing. Once I did all of this, I realized that Marley was just lying there — sprawled across the floor — unable to make any packing decisions.

“Marley, please get yourself in 3rd gear (pun intended), we have a long day of travel ahead of us. The sooner you pack, the sooner we can get on the road.” As I left the room all I saw were a few non-essentials on the floor next to her — some Q-tips, a bag of kibble and a copy of “Driving for Dummies.” Curiously, “Dummies” had been crossed out in black sharpie and “Dogs” had been scribbled in.

Several hours later, we finally got in the car. But before I even put my key in the ignition I noticed something…Marley had decided this road trip of ours was an opportunity to sit in the backseat and act like she had a chauffeur.

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“Marley are you kidding me! Get in the front seat now, I’m not going to play this silly game of Driving Miss Daisy for the next four days. We’ve got places to go, people to see and things to do! Andiamo , Vamos, Allons-y, Lass uns gehen…LET’S GO!”

As Marley leaped into the front seat, she opened her mouth, tongue hanging out and immediately pushed her head out the window with a smile on her face! “Call me Thelma” she said. And leaned back with her scarf and sunglasses on to take a selfie.

Marley and The Pedicure!

22 May

Friday’s with Marley….

In the world of guilty pleasures, pedicures are mine. Trashy TV doesn’t do it for me, neither does listening to ABBA on repeat. If it was socially acceptable to get pedicures every day, gosh darn it, I would. If it’s wrong to be addicted to the relaxing atmosphere of the nail salon, the faint smell of polish wafting through the air and the soothing water jets on my toes, then I don’t want to be right.

So this morning, I decided to treat myself. After deciding on a rather soothing blue color, I climbed into the pedicure seat, reclined the chair backwards, closed my eyes, and starting floating into a dream-like state of rejuvenation when all of a sudden I hear barking…

….”I want every toenail a different color.”


“Yo Lotta, color me happy, what’s happening?”

“Marley, I know I’m going to regret this question but what are you doing here?”

“Well, at the risk of sounding predictable I’m working on the Zen state of Mushin! I’m emptying my mind of all thoughts…
….Plus this past wedding weekend in Florida of chasing after golf balls, body surfing and dancing into the early morning really wreaked havoc on the tootsies. My dogs are barking! If I don’t get a pedicure at least once a week I feel like such an animal.”

“Marley, once again, I do hate being the one to knock you into reality and stating the obvious…BUT in your case, it’s going to take a lot more than a pedicure not to feel like an animal and p.s. Maybe you shouldn’t empty your mind completely… I’m just saying.”


Shopping With Marley!

8 May

I have some fun celebrations coming up, (weddings, showers, birthdays etc.) so I thought I would buzz over to Saks Fifth Avenue for some fashion inspiration. My favorite sales associate happens to be there and she’s more than happy to pull some clothes for me to try on. She puts me in a very spacious dressing room, hangs the clothes on several hooks, and exits when all of a sudden I hear…

…”I would like a mimosa instead of a bottled water, thank you very much.”

“Marley is that you?”

“Yo homie, what’s happening?”

“MARLEY…For heavens sakes what are you doing in the dressing room at Saks?”

“Fall clothes are already showing up in stores and a girl should always be prepared for the unexpected.”

“You’ve got to be kidding….What possible “unexpected” could you be preparing for?”

Marley barks back at me with a bit of an attitude, “well… I have a vacation home in the mountains and I just want to make sure my wardrobe reflects my personality for the unexpected occasions while on vacation. I’m leaning towards that mountain chic feel.”

“First of all,” I said with a stern tone. “Marley, YOU do not have a vacation home, your parents do…Furthermore, after getting caught for last weekend’s party (and by the way not all your friends pee outdoors), vacations and clothes should be at the bottom of your concern list…Hate to knock you into reality, but you’ll be in the dog house for a very long time…I’m just saying!”


Marley’s Party!

1 May

Friday’s with Marley…

5:55 AM my phone rings, I glance at caller ID, “Marley”…What’s happening? I say cheerfully!

“Party with my Homies tonight”

What, I say….a party at your house… tonight?….What are you kidding? Your parents are out of town.

Ya so, what does one thing have to do with another?

Marley, this is not a good idea! I’m just saying…Hate to be the one to knock you into reality…

I continued, this idea of yours reminds me of movie theater popcorn, smells delicious but it’s so bad for you.

Yum Marley said, I love popcorn. Don’t care where it’s from…

Marley I say a bit firmer, while pouring my first cup of coffee…You are purposely missing my point.

No I’m not, she barks! We are going to have so much fun…You are just being a kill joy! Plus, I’m not inviting the bitch down the street.

MARLEY, you know she has a name!

“Ya ya ya, What can I say? The bitch just likes to sniff around, make a mess and stick her big nose in my private business. She just rubs me the wrong way”

Ok, ENOUGH, I say…We are SO off topic!

Marley says with food in her mouth, “no worries, what could go wrong?… All my friends pee outdoors!


Marley and Me!

25 Apr

Fridays with Marley…

…Marley and I had a full day ahead of us, so this morning we started drinking Bloody Mary’s. With no topic off limits,  philosophizing whether patience was a virtue.

I said, you snooze you loose, no virtue!

Marley presented a darn good argument, all good things come to those who wait.

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I don’t know?….Marley may be right…A lot of delicious treats have come her way!


25 Feb


Some days I simple need to ask for more help!

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