Marley and The Bitch!

15 Sep

Friday’s with Marley…
I’ve just returned from a hike, started to make my “to do list” when I hear moaning from upstairs.

Marley are you OK….What is going on?

Marley waddles downstairs, flops down on the rug and with her eyes shut says…

…I don’t understand why I’m gaining weight. I watch what I eat.

Well Marley, maybe we can figure this out together before getting too worked-up.

For example….
…..I met Agnes while on vacation. She was a little bit of a thing with much pep in her walk. Her mother told me that Agnes is very disciplined. She eats two teaspoons of kibble in the morning and three teaspoons of kibble in the evening along with hiking three miles, five times a week.

…So tell me Marley what is YOUR disciplined routine?

She rolls over, opens her eyes and says…I wake up early…I move from my bed to yours….

Yep go on….

I wait for you to have your first cup of coffee and then I eat a big bowl of breakfast…

Yep, Ok….

I return to your bed…And when you go off to exercise I move to a chair in the living room.

Perfect, what else?

When you finally return, I eat a treat and move to the living room sofa.

Yep, yep…

By the time you are done with what ever you do, I eat another bowl of food…

Alrigh-ty, anything else?

Yep…I curl-up on the living chair so not to disrupt my digestion before going upstairs to bed.

Marley…All you do is eat and sleep…And p.s. eating what ever you want with your eyes open is not watching what you eat, I’m just saying!

Marley gives a snort, gives me the stink eye and says Agnes is the reason why people call female dogs bitches!

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Marley and The Recovery!

31 Aug

Friday’s with Marley…

I awoke with a smile, my head filled with happy memories of my vacation….Beautiful friends, family laughter, amazing hikes of many miles and elevation climbs. I try to adjust to eastern standard time and slowly make my way to the kitchen. With no Marley in sight I beeline to the coffee machine, turn it on and ahhhh. I quickly look around, so far so good.

Just then Marley saunters into the kitchen, lays down and gives out a huge exhale.

“Good morning,” I say. Marley opens her eyes, gives me a sideways glance and whines. “I need a recovery message.” She moans.

“What?” I begin. “You realize you need to do some sort of physical activity or exertion to recover from first… Right? I really don’t see you do anything besides move from the sofa to the chair.”

“Well,” she begins. “Unlike you I place a tremendous amount of importance on renewing my health, which brings me a sense of self-awareness.”

“Excuse me Marley, I don’t place importance on my health or well being?”

“Yea I just said that, glad you agree.”

Marley then grabbed a bunch of ice packs and proceeded to lie on top of them in the TV room — first flipping the channel from news to Food Network.

She then asked me to bring her more blankets and covers for her to nestle into.

“You can’t spell recovery without covers” she said with a smile.

The Morning and Marley!

3 Aug

Friday’s with Marley…

I was standing at the kitchen counter, simultaneously sipping my first cup of coffee and making my “to-do” list for the day when Marley sauntered in.

“Morning Marley,” I said cheerfully. “What’s on your agenda for today? Planning on being productive?”

Marley gave me a look as if I offended her sensibility.

“Really Marley, really” I began as I pulled out some kibble. “Is this attitude really necessary so early in the morning?”

“If you must know I am going to a few open houses today to get a feel for my purchasing power.” She yawned.

“I’m sorry, did you say bird chasing power?” I asked, sure I must have misheard this cantankerous k-9.

“Purchasing. Pur-chasing” she annunciated.

“Marley, I can save you some time and a little shoe leather, er, paw leath- whatever – I can save you the hassle and tell you right now that you have no purchasing power.

Marley looked at me without blinking.

I looked back.

She broke the silence first. “I fully expect my motivational speaking gig titled Dreaming Big will start bringing in that cold hard cash very soon.” She then sauntered toward the kibble singing under her breath “money, money, money, money… MO-ney!”

“Marley, given the current state of your affairs, I highly recommend working on your bird chasing power today instead. Look at all those geese on the lawn. Go get ’em!”

Marley looked at me as if I just suggested she pick up her own poo. She then pulled up some real estate listings on my Ipad and lay down, flipping through with her nose.

As I poured the kibble in her bowl I mumbled under my breath, “Dear Lord, I’m officially on crazy highway with no exit ramp.” Maybe I should listen to my friends Lori and Nancy and put something stronger in my coffee than cream!

Marley and The Summer Job!

20 Jul

Friday’s with Marley…

I was​ home​ on my roof deck​ sitting in a chair listening to a basic meditation audiobook in attempt to find some sort of calm and clarity in my life when Marley came sauntering onto my roof top paradise.

​​”Since you shut down my raffle last week, you have forced me into poverty and I’m in need of cash,” she barked.

‘Marley, you tried to sell my house without telling me,” I said incredulously. “Of course I shut it down.”

“I hate to say it, but you’re kind of a killjoy. However, I think I can help you become more lighthearted and unburdened.”

“You’re moving out?” I said with a side-eye.

“How would that help anything? No, no. You see I can help you, but that’s not enough for me– I want to help more than just the person who feeds me — so I’ve decided to become a motivational speaker as a summer job. These are the Dog Days of Summer after all, which going forward will hereby be known as the Marley Days of Summer.”

“Marley,” I said​ calmly and without judgement trying hard not to get wrapped up in her crazy​. “We are almost at the end of July. Basically there is only one month left of summer,​ you don’t have time to become a motivational speaker– and hang on, furthermore I am not a killjoy!”

“See this is what I’m talking about.” She said. “You ​always​ darken my door with your negativity, halting any creative outside the box thinking. I, as a positive motivational speaker see summer as a state of mind. The Dog Days of Summer may only last a month, but the Marley Days of Summer last all year.”

“Marley, the only box you think outside of is the litter box. I know I’m going to regret asking this but, what is your area of motivational expertise? Fitness? Food? Weight-loss? Spirituality?”

Marley licks her lips, yawns, lays down on the floor, shuts her eyes and mumbles, “how to dream big,” before falling asleep at my feet.

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House For Sale and Marley!

13 Jul

Friday’s with Marley…

I got up out of bed in the usual way, headed to the kitchen for my first cup of coffee (my most favorite part of the day) and Marley was no where to be found.

I love quiet mornings, I love my routine, I love nothing to interrupt all of my morning favorites and today was no different. The bliss of a drama-free morning with hopes of a drama-free day…but yet I could feel something wasn’t right.

Coffee mug in hand, sipping my first sip of heaven’s nectar, that delicious black liquid gold, when I heard a knock at the front door.

I thought, what on earth is going on? Who could be at my door at 6:00 this Friday morning…I could start to feel my tranquility taking off faster than honeymoon pajamas!

…I opened the door and there was a crowd….Excuse me, I said…What on earth is going on here? And why are you at my front door.

The first person stepped up (and may I say), a bit too close for my liking, with much irritation in his voice and said “I’ve been at your front door since 3:00 this morning. I wanted to make sure I was first in line.”

First in-line for what, I said…And in a blink he held up an IPad with several tabs opened to several different social media sights…
…AND THEN…
…And then I saw it, I saw it even without my reading glasses…It was in big red print, my address, with the words, House For Sale…Raffle with grand prize to be announced.

This is a mistake I stuttered. My house is not for sale. I have no idea how this has happened or why and I’m so sorry for all your trouble. Please allow me to reiterate…My house is not for sale! And there is certainly no grand prize of any sort.

Then out of the corner of my eye I saw something move from the back of the line. And as the crowd became more hushed and parted like the red sea, I started to hear barking and then with full view I saw her….Oh dear God it’s Marley with her paws full of cash!

MARLEY…M A R L E Y I yelled with a very shaky voice, what are you doing? Give these kind people back all their money and get your tail inside right now…With my fists raised above my head, I yelled “As God as my witness, you’ve gone too far this time!”

It was nothing less than a summer miracle that people were able to pry Marley’s paws open to get back their cash and leave without incident. I apologized up, down and sideways to all as they passed me and if I didn’t know better, I think a few actually felt sorry for me.

Marley sauntered through the front door and I slammed and locked the door behind her…As my anger rose from my toes up through my whole body I said with clenched teeth…Marley please explain to me, why did you post I was selling my house plus take money from people for a made-up raffle?

She flatten herself down on the cool tile floor, shut her eyes and said…”I’m a bit fatigue, I got up too early this morning… I’ll need to get back to you on this one.”

And as it became more apparent that I was only going to get crazy from her, I decided to pour myself a fresh cup of sanity and call a mulligan (a do-over) on this morning’s routine.

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Marley and The Lifestyle Blog!

8 Jul

I walked into the kitchen looking for my first cup of coffee of the day when I saw Marley taking a selfie with her selfie stick.

“Marley,” I said, “what are you doing?”

No response.

“MARLEY” I said louder and a bit more jarring.

“Oh..hey…didn’t see you walk in,” she said. “What’s happening?”

“Never mind me Marley, what are you doing taking selfies so early in the morning?”

“This summer I’m starting a lifestyle blog. I think there are so many in need of my advice, you know? The first post is called “Selfies: this is one stick you don’t fetch”

“You are going to give readers advice in lifestyle, like what? food and fashion trends? You wear the same thing every day. It’s called your fur.” And p.s you eat the same thing everyday!

“Coco Chanel dressed in black every day too you know. Besides it’s not about what you wear but how you wear it. No body shaming on my site, just me being me and inviting others to do the same.”

“You’re inviting others to be you?” I asked as I got blinded by another photo.

“Can you please be more careful about getting in my shot, this is called a selfie stick, not a groupie stick.”

“Marley you don’t think this is a little narcissistic?”

“As in Narciso Rodriguez?! Thank you! You’re the best! Ok you can be in my next photo.”

I turned on my heels and headed back to bed. Not enough coffee in the world…

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Marley and The Work-Out!

19 Jun

Friday’s with Marley…

Like many early-risers, I like to wake up and go to the gym. Sometimes I run on the elliptical, sometimes I do yoga — I just can’t start my day unless I’ve worked up a sweat.

This morning was a yoga morning. About 10 minutes into class who comes wondering in but Marley. She sauntered right up next to me and unrolled her mat.

“MARLEY! What are you doing here?” I whispered. “You hate working out.”

Marley finished setting up and immediately got into a modified Downward Dog, in that she just lay down. “I am meditating, becoming one with mother earth and getting centered. I’m getting mind, body and spirit on the same page. And furthermore, I’m at the gym, which means I’m working out.”

“Marley, lying on the ground with your eyes shut is called a cat nap. As a dog, this is beneath you.”

“I don’t want to pull anything.” she said with a growl. “For today is the first day of the rest of my life.”

“Marley, I do hate being the one to knock you into reality…but sleeping in yoga class does not make it a work-out, you actually have to exert yourself.”

With a snort, Marley turned over with her eyes shut and said “I’m sorry, you do know it’s pronounced “nama-stay” not “nama-go” don’t you? I’m just doing as I’m told.”

“Marley, that is nama-stupid and you know it.”

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Marley and The Road Trip!

5 Jun

Friday’s with Marley!

On a whim, Marley and I decided to drive cross-country Thelma-and-Louise style…

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minus the murder/suicide, God willing… just the scarves and over-sized sunglasses part. So I planned the route, bought supplies and started packing. Once I did all of this, I realized that Marley was just lying there — sprawled across the floor — unable to make any packing decisions.

“Marley, please get yourself in 3rd gear (pun intended), we have a long day of travel ahead of us. The sooner you pack, the sooner we can get on the road.” As I left the room all I saw were a few non-essentials on the floor next to her — some Q-tips, a bag of kibble and a copy of “Driving for Dummies.” Curiously, “Dummies” had been crossed out in black sharpie and “Dogs” had been scribbled in.

Several hours later, we finally got in the car. But before I even put my key in the ignition I noticed something…Marley had decided this road trip of ours was an opportunity to sit in the backseat and act like she had a chauffeur.

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“Marley are you kidding me! Get in the front seat now, I’m not going to play this silly game of Driving Miss Daisy for the next four days. We’ve got places to go, people to see and things to do! Andiamo , Vamos, Allons-y, Lass uns gehen…LET’S GO!”

As Marley leaped into the front seat, she opened her mouth, tongue hanging out and immediately pushed her head out the window with a smile on her face! “Call me Thelma” she said. And leaned back with her scarf and sunglasses on to take a selfie.

Marley and The Pedicure!

22 May

Friday’s with Marley….

In the world of guilty pleasures, pedicures are mine. Trashy TV doesn’t do it for me, neither does listening to ABBA on repeat. If it was socially acceptable to get pedicures every day, gosh darn it, I would. If it’s wrong to be addicted to the relaxing atmosphere of the nail salon, the faint smell of polish wafting through the air and the soothing water jets on my toes, then I don’t want to be right.

So this morning, I decided to treat myself. After deciding on a rather soothing blue color, I climbed into the pedicure seat, reclined the chair backwards, closed my eyes, and starting floating into a dream-like state of rejuvenation when all of a sudden I hear barking…

….”I want every toenail a different color.”

“MARLEY!?”

“Yo Lotta, color me happy, what’s happening?”

“Marley, I know I’m going to regret this question but what are you doing here?”

“Well, at the risk of sounding predictable I’m working on the Zen state of Mushin! I’m emptying my mind of all thoughts…
….Plus this past wedding weekend in Florida of chasing after golf balls, body surfing and dancing into the early morning really wreaked havoc on the tootsies. My dogs are barking! If I don’t get a pedicure at least once a week I feel like such an animal.”

“Marley, once again, I do hate being the one to knock you into reality and stating the obvious…BUT in your case, it’s going to take a lot more than a pedicure not to feel like an animal and p.s. Maybe you shouldn’t empty your mind completely… I’m just saying.”

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John’s Island and Marley!

18 May

My flight was seamless arriving in the warmth and beauty of Florida filling me with joy of the long awaited wedding weekend. The weekend promised to be fun, happy, loving with non-stop laughter! Loads of dear dear friends have traveled from all over to celebrate the joy and love of bride A and groom J.

The Mother-Of-The-Bride had reached out to her guests several times ensuring everyone was well taken care of…I was so appreciative. Friday morning the sunrise did not disappoint, the golfers lined up for their early morning tee times and I had my cup of coffee in hand, enjoying a gentle breeze.

I bowed to the east for thanks and gratitude when all of a sudden I see a golf cart speeding towards me with someone barking “get out of my way.” Knocking my cup of coffee out of my hand, spilling it all over the perfectly manicured grass. “MARLEY!” I screamed as I started sprinting after the the speeding golf cart…”What in God’s name are you doing here? I know you were NOT invited to this wedding!” Marley’s golf cart came to a screeching stop, and I caught up to her gasping for breath. She then turned to me and without blinking said ….”I know my invitation got lost in the mail. I mean, it would have been so rude not to show up,” before adding “Sorry can’t talk, I’m late for my foursome.” ….As Marley fumbled to get the golf cart started… I said… “Marley, you are acting like such a hound…I mean seriously pooch…You can’t be serious?”

As Marley sped off with her head out the window, she said…”I’m as serious as a heart attack.”

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