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Marley And No Rest Time!

3 Mar

Friday’s with Marley…

I was on the phone when Marley walked in the room, she flopped down on the floor with a loud snort. As I was finishing up with my call, the noises got louder and along with barking, backward sneezes, and lip licking there where many eye rolls .

I hung up and said… Marley, for God’s sakes what do you want ? You are being far too rude and far too annoying for my liking!

“Well, what do you expect she said, I am over worked, under paid and I’m not given an opportunity to rest on my days off, just like Prince William. We have no down time or better said, no me-time”

I’m speechless, you and Prince William, no rest on days off?…Thinking I might still be able to step out of crazy before it gets crazier.

But…

…Quickly realizing I’m already in the quagmire of crazy and sinking fast with no hope of escaping…

What do you mean, you are not given an opportunity to rest? You rest for hours every single day…In fact, I question whether you even know the difference between day and night.

…She stands up, indignant… “Do you realize how hard I work? I don’t even have time to be polite.” I’M ENTITLED she barks louder, I’M ENTITLED, I’m the victim in mi casa.”

…Excuse me Marley, did I hear you correctly?

……………No time to be polite? …Entitled?

You, You…YOU, a victim? You are definitely barking up the wrong tree today!

“That reminds me, did you notice those unwanted bitches around the tree I like to visit? Can’t believe the level of narcissism in the world today!”

Marley please!

“Well at least you’re being polite…But that doesn’t get me what I want, when I want it.”

Marley, please focus….I continue with an inspirational quote hoping for an enlightened moment.
“Happiness cannot come from without. It must come from within.” Helen Keller

” I agree with Helen she said, if you would give me a snack, happiness would be within me”

I turned on my heels, grabbed my car keys and headed for the door, with hopes that crazy wouldn’t follow…

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Marley and Social Media

31 Dec

Friday’s with Marley…

While still away on holiday, I found myself smiling for no reason. I walked in the kitchen and found a coffee machine with an obvious round shaped on-button… I pressed it and almost immediately heard sounds of joy and peace….Marley walks into the kitchen….

Good morning Marley, how’d you sleep…feeling rested? We have a fun filled day ahead of us, no time to waste, full agenda.

Marley sniffs around, lays down and says…I have great concerns my friends don’t think I’m having fun on my family vacation.

What are you talking about Marley…

…Well, since you asked……You’ve done the lousiest job of posting on social media of all our holiday fun-filled family photos. I mean, have you seen what our friends have posted? Look at all those happy families, photos don’t lie!

Marley, I am sorry if…

…Apologizing helps me feel better but it doesn’t solve this problem.

I wasn’t… oh never mind….

Marley, You don’t need witnesses to validate that you’re having a wonderful time/life with family and friends. Keeping special moments private actually makes you live more of an “authentic life” Not every moment should and/or needs to be public…And at the end of the day, life is about celebrating the love, laughter and beauty of ordinary moments in our relationships with others.

Marley gobbles up her breakfast, licks her lips and grabs her selfie stick…Hey thanks for trying to make me feel better about your short comings but could you just lean in and smile big… After I post this moment with a cute tagline, this vacation will turn great.

I grabbed a XL size coffee cup, poured my peace and seventy and walked out of the kitchen!

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Wishing you all the sweetest New Year!

Marley and Christmas!

8 Dec

Friday’s with Marley…
Good morning Marley! I am feeling happier with every tick of the clock today and not even you can ruin that great to be alive feeling.

Marley barks “Of course you’re deliriously happy, you don’t have the problems I have…I wish I could walk in your carefree ignorance-is-bliss shoes.”

…Excuse me Marley, I don’t have problems??? Bliss shoes???

“Thats what I said…Why are you being so annoying by repeating everything I say?”

Marley, I wasn’t repeating, I was… oh never mind…

Marley, what could possibly be souring your holiday mood today. Did you not receive your Christmas blend kibbles???

“I don’t want to darken your door with my mounting impossible-to-over come problems…BUT…Since you asked…I need an intern to help me with my work load ”

An intern?…An tern?…

“Why do you keep repeating everything I say…I know it’s always witty and intelligent but it sounds as if we have a parrot in our home.”

Seriously Marley….

….Did I leave a window open and crazy blew in? What in God’s name are you talking about. You don’t work, much-less have an impossible to complete workload…

Marley jumps on the coffee table, flops down exhausted, and sticks her face in the sun…

And says….

“By the way, I added to my already existing Christmas list…I’m sure you will want to purchase it all for that joy of giving feeling. You are welcome!”

No Marley, I’ve been giving and thinking of others that are less fortunate than you this Holiday Season!  And I turn on my heels with a smile on my face….

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Marley and The Bitch!

15 Sep

Friday’s with Marley…
I’ve just returned from a hike, started to make my “to do list” when I hear moaning from upstairs.

Marley are you OK….What is going on?

Marley waddles downstairs, flops down on the rug and with her eyes shut says…

…I don’t understand why I’m gaining weight. I watch what I eat.

Well Marley, maybe we can figure this out together before getting too worked-up.

For example….
…..I met Agnes while on vacation. She was a little bit of a thing with much pep in her walk. Her mother told me that Agnes is very disciplined. She eats two teaspoons of kibble in the morning and three teaspoons of kibble in the evening along with hiking three miles, five times a week.

…So tell me Marley what is YOUR disciplined routine?

She rolls over, opens her eyes and says…I wake up early…I move from my bed to yours….

Yep go on….

I wait for you to have your first cup of coffee and then I eat a big bowl of breakfast…

Yep, Ok….

I return to your bed…And when you go off to exercise I move to a chair in the living room.

Perfect, what else?

When you finally return, I eat a treat and move to the living room sofa.

Yep, yep…

By the time you are done with what ever you do, I eat another bowl of food…

Alrigh-ty, anything else?

Yep…I curl-up on the living chair so not to disrupt my digestion before going upstairs to bed.

Marley…All you do is eat and sleep…And p.s. eating what ever you want with your eyes open is not watching what you eat, I’m just saying!

Marley gives a snort, gives me the stink eye and says Agnes is the reason why people call female dogs bitches!

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The Morning and Marley!

3 Aug

Friday’s with Marley…

I was standing at the kitchen counter, simultaneously sipping my first cup of coffee and making my “to-do” list for the day when Marley sauntered in.

“Morning Marley,” I said cheerfully. “What’s on your agenda for today? Planning on being productive?”

Marley gave me a look as if I offended her sensibility.

“Really Marley, really” I began as I pulled out some kibble. “Is this attitude really necessary so early in the morning?”

“If you must know I am going to a few open houses today to get a feel for my purchasing power.” She yawned.

“I’m sorry, did you say bird chasing power?” I asked, sure I must have misheard this cantankerous k-9.

“Purchasing. Pur-chasing” she annunciated.

“Marley, I can save you some time and a little shoe leather, er, paw leath- whatever – I can save you the hassle and tell you right now that you have no purchasing power.

Marley looked at me without blinking.

I looked back.

She broke the silence first. “I fully expect my motivational speaking gig titled Dreaming Big will start bringing in that cold hard cash very soon.” She then sauntered toward the kibble singing under her breath “money, money, money, money… MO-ney!”

“Marley, given the current state of your affairs, I highly recommend working on your bird chasing power today instead. Look at all those geese on the lawn. Go get ’em!”

Marley looked at me as if I just suggested she pick up her own poo. She then pulled up some real estate listings on my Ipad and lay down, flipping through with her nose.

As I poured the kibble in her bowl I mumbled under my breath, “Dear Lord, I’m officially on crazy highway with no exit ramp.” Maybe I should listen to my friends Lori and Nancy and put something stronger in my coffee than cream!

Marley and The Summer Job!

20 Jul

Friday’s with Marley…

I was​ home​ on my roof deck​ sitting in a chair listening to a basic meditation audiobook in attempt to find some sort of calm and clarity in my life when Marley came sauntering onto my roof top paradise.

​​”Since you shut down my raffle last week, you have forced me into poverty and I’m in need of cash,” she barked.

‘Marley, you tried to sell my house without telling me,” I said incredulously. “Of course I shut it down.”

“I hate to say it, but you’re kind of a killjoy. However, I think I can help you become more lighthearted and unburdened.”

“You’re moving out?” I said with a side-eye.

“How would that help anything? No, no. You see I can help you, but that’s not enough for me– I want to help more than just the person who feeds me — so I’ve decided to become a motivational speaker as a summer job. These are the Dog Days of Summer after all, which going forward will hereby be known as the Marley Days of Summer.”

“Marley,” I said​ calmly and without judgement trying hard not to get wrapped up in her crazy​. “We are almost at the end of July. Basically there is only one month left of summer,​ you don’t have time to become a motivational speaker– and hang on, furthermore I am not a killjoy!”

“See this is what I’m talking about.” She said. “You ​always​ darken my door with your negativity, halting any creative outside the box thinking. I, as a positive motivational speaker see summer as a state of mind. The Dog Days of Summer may only last a month, but the Marley Days of Summer last all year.”

“Marley, the only box you think outside of is the litter box. I know I’m going to regret asking this but, what is your area of motivational expertise? Fitness? Food? Weight-loss? Spirituality?”

Marley licks her lips, yawns, lays down on the floor, shuts her eyes and mumbles, “how to dream big,” before falling asleep at my feet.

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House For Sale and Marley!

13 Jul

Friday’s with Marley…

I got up out of bed in the usual way, headed to the kitchen for my first cup of coffee (my most favorite part of the day) and Marley was no where to be found.

I love quiet mornings, I love my routine, I love nothing to interrupt all of my morning favorites and today was no different. The bliss of a drama-free morning with hopes of a drama-free day…but yet I could feel something wasn’t right.

Coffee mug in hand, sipping my first sip of heaven’s nectar, that delicious black liquid gold, when I heard a knock at the front door.

I thought, what on earth is going on? Who could be at my door at 6:00 this Friday morning…I could start to feel my tranquility taking off faster than honeymoon pajamas!

…I opened the door and there was a crowd….Excuse me, I said…What on earth is going on here? And why are you at my front door.

The first person stepped up (and may I say), a bit too close for my liking, with much irritation in his voice and said “I’ve been at your front door since 3:00 this morning. I wanted to make sure I was first in line.”

First in-line for what, I said…And in a blink he held up an IPad with several tabs opened to several different social media sights…
…AND THEN…
…And then I saw it, I saw it even without my reading glasses…It was in big red print, my address, with the words, House For Sale…Raffle with grand prize to be announced.

This is a mistake I stuttered. My house is not for sale. I have no idea how this has happened or why and I’m so sorry for all your trouble. Please allow me to reiterate…My house is not for sale! And there is certainly no grand prize of any sort.

Then out of the corner of my eye I saw something move from the back of the line. And as the crowd became more hushed and parted like the red sea, I started to hear barking and then with full view I saw her….Oh dear God it’s Marley with her paws full of cash!

MARLEY…M A R L E Y I yelled with a very shaky voice, what are you doing? Give these kind people back all their money and get your tail inside right now…With my fists raised above my head, I yelled “As God as my witness, you’ve gone too far this time!”

It was nothing less than a summer miracle that people were able to pry Marley’s paws open to get back their cash and leave without incident. I apologized up, down and sideways to all as they passed me and if I didn’t know better, I think a few actually felt sorry for me.

Marley sauntered through the front door and I slammed and locked the door behind her…As my anger rose from my toes up through my whole body I said with clenched teeth…Marley please explain to me, why did you post I was selling my house plus take money from people for a made-up raffle?

She flatten herself down on the cool tile floor, shut her eyes and said…”I’m a bit fatigue, I got up too early this morning… I’ll need to get back to you on this one.”

And as it became more apparent that I was only going to get crazy from her, I decided to pour myself a fresh cup of sanity and call a mulligan (a do-over) on this morning’s routine.

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Marley and The Lifestyle Blog!

8 Jul

I walked into the kitchen looking for my first cup of coffee of the day when I saw Marley taking a selfie with her selfie stick.

“Marley,” I said, “what are you doing?”

No response.

“MARLEY” I said louder and a bit more jarring.

“Oh..hey…didn’t see you walk in,” she said. “What’s happening?”

“Never mind me Marley, what are you doing taking selfies so early in the morning?”

“This summer I’m starting a lifestyle blog. I think there are so many in need of my advice, you know? The first post is called “Selfies: this is one stick you don’t fetch”

“You are going to give readers advice in lifestyle, like what? food and fashion trends? You wear the same thing every day. It’s called your fur.” And p.s you eat the same thing everyday!

“Coco Chanel dressed in black every day too you know. Besides it’s not about what you wear but how you wear it. No body shaming on my site, just me being me and inviting others to do the same.”

“You’re inviting others to be you?” I asked as I got blinded by another photo.

“Can you please be more careful about getting in my shot, this is called a selfie stick, not a groupie stick.”

“Marley you don’t think this is a little narcissistic?”

“As in Narciso Rodriguez?! Thank you! You’re the best! Ok you can be in my next photo.”

I turned on my heels and headed back to bed. Not enough coffee in the world…

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Shopping With Marley!

8 May

I have some fun celebrations coming up, (weddings, showers, birthdays etc.) so I thought I would buzz over to Saks Fifth Avenue for some fashion inspiration. My favorite sales associate happens to be there and she’s more than happy to pull some clothes for me to try on. She puts me in a very spacious dressing room, hangs the clothes on several hooks, and exits when all of a sudden I hear…

…”I would like a mimosa instead of a bottled water, thank you very much.”

“Marley is that you?”

“Yo homie, what’s happening?”

“MARLEY…For heavens sakes what are you doing in the dressing room at Saks?”

“Fall clothes are already showing up in stores and a girl should always be prepared for the unexpected.”

“You’ve got to be kidding….What possible “unexpected” could you be preparing for?”

Marley barks back at me with a bit of an attitude, “well… I have a vacation home in the mountains and I just want to make sure my wardrobe reflects my personality for the unexpected occasions while on vacation. I’m leaning towards that mountain chic feel.”

“First of all,” I said with a stern tone. “Marley, YOU do not have a vacation home, your parents do…Furthermore, after getting caught for last weekend’s party (and by the way not all your friends pee outdoors), vacations and clothes should be at the bottom of your concern list…Hate to knock you into reality, but you’ll be in the dog house for a very long time…I’m just saying!”

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A Holiday Thought!

11 Dec

“He who has not Christmas in
his heart will never find it under
a tree.”
-Roy L. Smith

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